But Seriously, Where is My Clit?

Written By K.

My first orgasm was quite by accident, as it is for many of us. I was about 11, had been told firmly to go to bed, so I was flailing and squirming around, trying to get comfortable and generally bemoaning my bedtime. During my thrashing about, I thrust my pelvis into the mattress and felt a slight rush. I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t really care, I focused all of my thrashing now on trying to make it happen again. It was probably one of the more laborious orgasms I’ve ever had, because at the time I was convinced it had something to do with my pelvic bone, but with persistence, I achieved my first orgasm. And it was awesome, you guys. It became my new favorite pre-bed activity. My first forays into masturbation were awkward and not very efficient. I would lay facedown on the mattress, pillow stuffed between my legs and my hand jammed up in there, trying to give myself something to grind against.

One day, while going through my brother’s things (let’s be real, you’ve all done it), I found a junky little back massager and a little light bulb went off in my head. I bet that would feel good. And yes. Yes it did. I stole the shit out of that back massager and used it until it died an unceremonious death.

Now at this time, I had no idea that what I was doing was masturbation and I certainly didn’t know that I was having orgasms. Granted, I knew what masturbation was and I knew what a guy’s orgasm was, but I was completely oblivious as to what happened when a woman came. When my parents were asleep, my friend and I would watch After Dark on MTV and I remember them talking about masturbation and orgasms. I hesitantly decided that my new pastime was probably masturbation and given my wholesome Christian upbringing, I hated myself for doing it. But I still wasn’t convinced that my shuddering sense of completion was an orgasm. It took casually (read: awkwardly) asking friends about their experiences whenever the topic of sex came up. Through my surveyed research, I finally, finally realized what was happening with my body. Kind of.

You see, I was sick on that one day in 5th grade where the girls and boys are separated and watch a video about the changes their bodies are going through, so I don’t know if this was covered on that day. But I had no idea where my clit was. I found a Men’s Health magazine in one of my brother’s rooms and there was a page that had a collection of stories from women talking about their best sexual experiences and one woman kept referencing her clit and I desperately wanted to know what it was and how I could find mine, because it sounded like a party. So I found a dictionary and searched for “clit”, but that was fruitless. So I kept my ear to the ground to find more clues. Everyone talked about it as if it was this magical, mysterious thing that was hidden within the baffling depths of a woman’s body.

Whispering-Women

By the time I got to high school, I had some suspicions about what my clitoris must be, but I wasn’t certain because my answer seemed too easy. So when friends were talking about having sex and mentioned their clit, I blurted it, “Seriously, where the fuck is it?!” Loudly. My friend took me aside and quickly gave me the rundown. I stared at her in disbelief. That’s the clitoris that no one can seem to find? It’s right there! So while I had finally gotten the answer to one of my questions, I now had a plethora of other questions regarding sex in general, because clearly it must be more complicated than I had imagined if the simplest thing on a woman’s body was also the most mysterious.

Needless to say I had a very strange relationship with sex growing up. But that’s a story for another time.

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