Written By Troublemaker (the first part was written by K and M, but fuck ’em, I’m claiming this one)
Hello, gentle readers.
You may call me Troublemaker, as everyone does. I suppose introductions are probably in order, but that’s tedious and no one really cares, so you may think of me as K and M’s manifested Id. Or you can choose not to think of me at all, it’s your life, do what you want.
I found this sad, half-finished blog post in the shared drive of K and M bemoaning their inability to find eligible women to date. I feel pretty confident that I can solve their problems, so I have provided the original post for you, as well as my patented solution to their problems. It’s a pretty painful read, you guys. Like, it makes you sad while reading it, but like, sad for them. I’m almost sorry for you subjecting you to it, but these problems must be addressed and corrected! The solution is so obviously simple! So stick around and you too can become enlightened.
To make it easier, their original post is italicized and my comments are not.
Dating in modern America as a gay woman can be a real challenge (Oh my god it’s already so bad, you guys). First of all, women who are also romantically interested in women do not come with a convenient “I eat pussy and I like it” sign permanently attached to their person (which is a damn shame, really. Who do I petition to correct this, Obama? He’s still secretly running the country, right? … Right? Please?). And unless one has finely tuned gaydar, it can be really intimidating to flirt with a stranger in public. What if she’s homophobic and becomes deeply uncomfortable or confrontational? What if she’s okay with it, but the people around her aren’t? Whether or not these fears are unfounded, it still can be a terrifying prospect to just flirt with strangers and hope that they too are down with the lady loving (fucking. They mean fucking, in case their prose was too coy).
So since strangers in public can be a dicey proposition (how would you know, have you propositioned a goddamn one of them?) the next step seems to be a gay bar or club, as you know that the patrons there will at least be LGBT+ friendly (or if we want to be really accurate, the LGBTTQQIAAP. Whew that’s a mouthful! … lol). The frustrating part, though, is that many straight women frequent theses clubs, so it’s not even certain that the people around are you are going to be eligible prospects (so just start going up to women and ask, “what are your views on the pussy? Are you pro or against? Yours, or others? Be specific!). And we’re not really into the club scene in general, so it can feel disingenuous if you meet someone who loves to go out dancing all the time and thinks you do as well, since you’re here at the club. It also means we’re already not having a great time and mostly feel increasingly uncomfortable.
There is also the option of online dating, but many of the paid sites aren’t geared towards the LGBT+ community, if they have that option at all. The free sites are a crap shoot in terms of finding quality people (how dare you? My Tinder game is on point and I am a goddamn catch). They can be especially difficult if you aren’t located in a big city, as you’ll only have a few local gays and little hope of new people joining on a frequent basis.
…Aaand we have no idea where to go with this post now and it’s getting really depressing (getting?) so maybe let’s not post this one.
You see why I had to step in. I mean… you read it. You saw. I just had to do something for these pathetic creatures, to ease their wounded souls and provide them with some much, much needed hope. So now, I present you with…
HOW TO WOO A LADY: By Troublemaker.
Alright friends, we need to talk. It seems that some of our readers/content creators have trouble when it comes to the fairer sex. For the purposes of this article, I am referring to women, but this could apply to anyone you deem to be “fair”; A svelte Scandinavian lad, a handsomely captivating referee, the possibilities are endless.
Asking out a lady can be a frightening prospect and I get it, rejection is a terrifying behemoth filled with misery and self-loathing. Which is why I make a point never to do it. Sounds just awful. Instead, I use my patented, guaranteed-to-work-unless-you-have-a-high-level-of-incompitence-I-mean-come-on-I-can-only-work-with-what-you-give-me Tips and Tricks for Woo-ing a lady! So sit back, my anxious little peanut, and let me do the work for you.
It turns out that ladies are everywhere! They’re damn near all of the population (I was always taught to round up). This is excellent, because it makes finding a lady much easier. Step one, leave your house.
“WHAT?! Surely this must be in jest!” You exclaim loudly at your computer monitor, the cry echoing loudly across your empty abode. You notice how your proclamation didn’t bounce off any attractive, eligible ladies? I am going to assume that you do not have any such females in your home, otherwise you would need my other list “How to let the attractive, eligible lady living in my home know that I am attracted to her” (I’ll save you some time – tell her that she’s pretty and ask her out. You’re welcome). Yes friends, you will have to venture into the wilds of the world.
Once your eyes have adjusted to the harsh glare of raw-unfiltered sunlight, survey your surroundings. Do you see any potential mates about? If no, move onto another location, perhaps a bookstore, or a cafe, or the boardwalk at the seaside, or where ever the kids are hanging about these days. If yes, approach her with a confident swagger while quickly locating something on her person for you to compliment (caution: it is possible to over-swagger. Side-effects of an overenthusiastic swagger can include; muscle strain, dizziness, douchbaggery, and fatigue). Get close to her. Closer. CLOSER. Too close. Don’t make it weird, respect her bubble. So like, as close as you can get without penetrating her bubble. Premature bubble penetration is to be avoided at all costs.
Make eye contact, smile and quit fidgeting. This moment is yours! Live in the fear pumping through your heart. Taste the tang terror on your tongue and know that you are alive. Compliment the lady. This is the easiest way to start a conversation with someone you wish engage in a romantic and/or sexual activity. Everyone loves to be told something nice. And if they do get mad, fuck that person, she’s clearly an asshole and you don’t need that kind of negativity in your life. Once again, smile and eye contact!
“I very much enjoy the way your ears look like seashells.” She will likely smile at the delight of receiving an unwarranted compliment and oftentimes will thank you. If she does not immediately provide her phone number, it’s okay, perhaps she does not yet know your intentions. To make them known, throw out a subtle wink. The wink ensures that the lady understands your intentions are of a more salacious (or romantic) nature. If she does not react, DON’T PANIC. Your wink may have been too subtle and she may be confusing it for spasm and may be politely ignoring it. Wink more animatedly. Get a shoulder involved, throw your hip into it, let her know you mean business.
If she has managed to maintain her balance and hasn’t fainted from being overwhelmed by the moment (beware, this has been known to happen when one’s raw, sexual energy goes unchecked. A burden for some of us, but we can get through this together), you need to follow up with a question to let her know your intentions. Ask for her name, or a name and number, perhaps on a date, or even back to your place if you were to be so bold.
“Would you like to mash our faces together and see what happens?” Wink again, if you feel it’s necessary. Be careful not to over-wink, though. It loses its sexiness with each successive wink at an exponential rate. In my experience, she will be overcome with desire at this point in the exchange and will gladly join you in copulation, if that is your desire. If she doesn’t, I can only assume your wink did not fall within acceptable the acceptable ranges of sexy and coy and has instead lapsed into creepy and spasming.
Now remember! If at any point in this exchange she shows disinterest, smile and bid her a good day. Find a new lady who catches your gaze and repeat the process until success is achieved. Swagger, compliment, wink, follow-up wink if needed, question, optional wink, follow-up/disengage.
There you have it my friends! This process is guaranteed to help you get the attention of a fine young lady (or svelte Scandinavian lad, or handsomely captivating referee, etc.)! So put some swagger in your step and a little hip-action into your winking and you’ll have an attractive lady sharing that empty home with you in no time.